Friday, December 15, 2006

The Pursuit of Happyness

A year ago today was supposed to be the happiest moment of my wife and I's life. It was supposed to be different. What makes it especially hard is that not only is the holidays near by but also my wifes birthday. This is supposed to be the month of true happiness for us.

Today we went to the cemetary to sing happy birthday to our son. Most days that people see me or hear me dont know the underlying pain. I smile and converse. "What you got planned for the holidays Mel?" "Goin to the Christmas party?" " You get your shopping done?" Average everyday normal things to be said.

Last year my wife and I shopped for funeral clothes for Christmas. We felt invisible amongst all the holiday cheer. People living life so effortlessly in our eyes. Not much has changed in a year. Hard to tell people who think " It will heal with time" or "It will get easier." that those words mean nothing to us. Cause who would want to live with that. That we will get used to the fact our son is dead. That we will never have the first of anything with our son. No first smile when he opens up his Christmas gifts. No first steps. No voice to say "Mom / Dad I love you" Who wants the consolation prize of " you'll get used to the fact with time. "

Even worse is the bitterness that comes along with it. So most days I get to play normal to people because I worry about making people uncomfortable. Which sounds silly cause most days Im uncomfortable. Holding on to make it another day. But another day of what? Which brings us back to the "Time Heals" scenario. And round and round we go...

Heres another crazy fact. I wouldnt know what to say to someone who might be goin through it. I hate to imagine it for someone else. Everything that you could say would be positive and fix it sentences, but how can you fix something that cant be be fixed. How do you not only cope with your own sadness but the sadness of the only person holding you together.

These thoughts that I write here are not who I am. Nor who I truly feel like. Its the battle I have everyday. There are positives and blessings in my life as well as the negatives with a dash of insanity for flavor.

Thanks for reading this if you are still here. This entry is mainly for me. To remind myself that I still have a promise to my wife and our son, and that I will spend the rest of my life fulfilling it.

Happy Birthday Son.
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